2019 Predictions: Can Anyone Stay Healthy


Fearless predictions for 2019

–Serena Williams, unable to tie Margaret Court and win her 24th slam, quits women’s tennis. She joins the men’s tour, and amid great fanfare and expectation, loses every first round match against guys ranked between 50 and 150 who mercilessly exhaust her with drop shots and lobs. But she gives birth to siamese twins on the court, cementing her place in ATP history.

–Andy Murray, feeling sorry for Serena, womenkind (and himself), officially quits the ATP tour, but after months of talking to himself, takes Serena’s place in the WTA. While the women initially welcome him, they soon grow tired of his whining, wincing and verbal abuse of his mother (in a language they can’t understand). Though he fails to win a match, he does succeed in attracting record crowds of more than 100 fans to daytime matches in China.

–Naomi Osaka, Genie Bouchard, Jelena Ostapenko and Marta Kostyuk retire from tennis, having completed the task of making their families rich. Aryna Sabalenka wins Wimbledon, signs lucrative sponsorship deals and immediately retires, for the same reason.

–After reaching the French Open final, Sascha Zverev refuses to play all grass and hardcourt events, citing the long grueling tour schedule’s affect on anxious dogs.

–Wimbledon, for the first time in history, declares a tie, after Kevin Anderson and John Isner fail to win the 5th set tie-breaker by two.

–Amid injuries to Isner, Anderson, Novak Djokovic, Rafa Nadal, JM del Potro, Marin Cilic, Dominic Thiem, Kei Nishikori, Milos Raonic, Kyle Edmund, Hyeon Chung, Gael Monfils, Nick Kyrgios, Stan Wawrinka and others, Roger Federer wins the US Open, beating Peter Gojowczyk in a memorable final played in Iceland due to a record US heat wave.

–Tennis Australia, based on their successful training of Kyrgios, Bernard Tomic, Jo Konta and other players, officially takes over the ITF, USTA and other national governing bodies. They move the entire tour to the Australian summer and stage the Davis Cup final atop Ayers Rock in the Red Centre. Belgium wins after other nations decline to attend.

–Margaret Court, shamed for not being a lesbian, blows the whistle on an alleged pedophile ring involving several players and the entire corps of accredited press in Melbourne. Australian courts sentence them to three weeks community work with children.

–Ben Rothenburg, whose parents refuse to send him any more money to cover tennis events for the New York Times, ends up suing ESPN for refusing to fire announcers and replace them with Nick McCarvel. He’s rewarded with positions as tournament director of the Hopman Cup and catering manager in Charleston.

–Nick Kyrgios wins Shanghai but blinds a ball boy and dedicates his entire career earnings to charities helping victims of Tennis Australia.

–Tennys Sandgren wins the Republican Nomination for 2020 with the campaign slogans “Tennys Anyone?” and “Make America Grind Again.”

–Vladimir Putin invades Germany, Greece and Canada in order to reclaim “Russian” tennis players Zverev, Stefanos Tsitsipas and Denis Shapovalov. Men with Russian names ending in the letter “z” take over the top 10.

–The ITF holds a secret ballot and bans Spanish players from using dual surnames.

–Rafael Parera withdraws from all events except the French Open, which he wins.

–Novak Djokovic quits tennis, again, to go trekking in Bhutan, and then returns to the tour promoting the wonders of a Yak Butter diet.

–Roger Federer breaks away from the ATP and ITF and forms his own worldwide stadium comedy tour playing midget cowboy wrestlers. It sells out immediately.

–Tennis tournaments worldwide permanently ban veteran writer, photographer, and tennis coach Christopher Johnson for attempting comedy and committing vexatious acts of journalism.